The Youngtown Edition (the school newspaper of the County College of Morris) is working with two other CCM clubs this semester, Active Minds and Writers Club, on a series about students in the process of recovery. This series is called “Despite My Diagnosis.” Read one of these stories, by Alexa Wyszkowski:
I have allergies. I have asthma. I have anxiety.
These were all the reasons why I used to tell myself that I could not do things, was undeserving of things and could not achieve things. These were the reasons I told myself I was not capable of having great friendships and relationships. The reasons why I felt I could never be enough even when I gave my all.
In high school, something changed as I became more and more involved in my school community. I became someone who was not as defined by their allergies, asthma, and anxiety. Instead, I was defined by how much I cared and dedicated my time to the school clubs and activities.
By my senior year, I had joined as many clubs and organizations as I could and balanced all my time so I could actively participate in as many activities as possible. I loved meeting new people and finding those special people who attended the club meetings and events not just for their resume, but because they wanted to be part of something greater than themselves. Being a part of a club, a team, an organization, an event, an activity involves this feeling of belonging and having the ability to make a difference. I loved being able to help people and show them how they too could help others.
I had good grades, was involved in everything I could be in, was accepted to every college I applied to and even received some awards and recognition for all my work in these clubs and activities. Except all of this was not enough.
I had an opportunity to go to college for free. And yet I couldn’t go to college for free. I had missed the class rank requirement that I needed by less than one percent. I was not enough.
I went into college as a hospitality major because I thought that was the only way to continue on my journey to help others. I thought that the place I started working at in high school was going to be my forever job. And this was all so closed minded of me. If only I had an open mind then maybe I would have made different and better choices, but then I would probably not be where I am today.
Early into the start of college I entered my first relationship and told myself it was okay if they never were able to understand me. I thought that even if they weren’t understanding of my allergies, asthma, and anxiety it would still be okay. I didn’t think I should expect them to understand or want to learn to understand. For some reason, I thought when I gave everything and it wasn’t enough for them that I should just keep giving.
I did this with the first job that I thought was my dream job. I did this with my first relationship.
Until the winter came and I remember for the first time feeling completely alone and empty. I ignored it and continued giving as much as I could. I dived into this mindset to show my relationship and my job that I could be more than my allergies, asthma, anxiety and try to prove to them that I could be enough until there was no room for anything else in my life. I didn’t have time for myself, I didn’t have time for my other friends, I didn’t have time to breathe. I thought I had to change the perspective of my workplace and my partner. That the role I was given was to change both of them, to make them understand.
I cannot change people. I cannot change places. I cannot change things. I cannot change the past. I cannot change fate. I cannot change the fact that I have allergies, asthma, and anxiety. All I can do is work on changing myself, becoming a part of something greater than myself and offering my light even in the darkest moments. Even as a leader I cannot say that I have ever been the only person that contributed to something changing. For something to change it takes many people working together who share the desire to create something more. I can share this passion and give it to others, but I cannot force it. I cannot change people. People can only change themselves and to do that, they have to want to change.
I want to change myself. I started high school as this person who was shy and insecure and did not believe in herself. By the end of high school, I started to become more confident in who I was and what I was meant to do. However in addition to my allergies, asthma, and anxiety, I let not getting free college, the job I had and the relationship I was in continue to tell me that I was not enough. That I could never be enough.
It took me a year and a half into college to realize that what I thought I was supposed to do with my life was not at all what I should have been doing. And this time it was not because I thought I was not enough. It was because I realized I was more than enough all along.
For as long as I can remember I have loved four things: reading, writing, teaching, and giving. And I left high school and entered college thinking that I was not enough to be able to study and have a career in something that involved all of those things. So to start I chose to study hospitality and plan my career around it because I thought I would just help and give in that way.
What I didn’t realize was that there are so many other ways of being able to help and give by also teaching and involving reading and writing. That I am capable to do things that I thought I wouldn’t, couldn’t and shouldn’t be able to do.
There will always be people and places who will tell me that I’m never enough. That I should give up what I have and who I am because it is not enough for them. As much as I used to give importance to making everyone and everything better and happy, I no longer feel the constant need to do so. I just want to be myself with my allergies, asthma, anxiety and all my past people, places and experiences, and still be able to make positive connections with others without feeling that I am not enough. I am enough and thinking that I was never enough is something I am trying to leave in the past.